Childbirth 101

Welcome to Childbirth 101.

When we arrived at our first class the instructor handed us a booklet, took our money, and asked us to find a seat. I ran off to the restroom for what was probably the 3,000^th time that day and Jason snagged two seats on the back row on the aisle. Nice choice. When I returned, he leaned over and said, “Did you know that blood travels through the umbilical cord at 40 miles per hour?” He smiled and stuck his nose right back into the booklet he had been thumbing through. (Note: blood actually travels through the umbilical cord at 4 miles per hour which isn’t nearly as impressive, but whatever.) Class officially started and we both tried not to snicker and nudge the other at every mention of a body part or sexual reference. Our child is going to be so lucky to have such mature parents.

It was just as awkward as I expected. All of the videos we watch are circa 1996(ish) and all of the couples kind enough to volunteer for said videos are ridiculous. Our first class covered relaxation techniques and slow breathing exercises. It wasn’t exactly what you see in the movies or on television but it wasn’t too far from it either. The instructor played some audio clips for us as we practiced the techniques. The sound of the waves crashing in the background made me want to pee for the 3,001^st time that day and the recorded voice of the lady made me more uncomfortable than relaxed. She spoke in her nice, phone voice, barely above a whisper, and v e r y s l o w. She prompted us to close our eyes and to try to clear our minds. I opened my eyes to make sure Jason’s were closed. They were. Then the calm voice started repeating phrases that made me everything but relaxed. Here’s my recollection of my thoughts from those 3 not-so-relaxing minutes:

“Your right arm is warm and heavy. Your right arm is warm and heavy.”

No kidding, it’s like 100 degrees in here. If you think my arm is warm you should feel my armpits – they are sweating like crazy and I was planning to nonchalantly wear this shirt again tomorrow but I guess that’s not happening. (By the way, don’t judge me for multiple wears. When I find something that will stretch over the baby-bumpmountain I go with it.)

“Listen to the sound of the waves.”

Why do people find the sound of waves so relaxing? The beach is beautiful but it also tastes like salt and blowing sand hurts. Oh yeah, and ½ the people in here are pregnant and now have to pee. I wonder if they give us a break. Sprite sounds good too. I hope we get a break.

“Your abdominal area is warm and calm. Your abdominal area is warm and calm.”

What? This doesn’t even make sense. My abdominal area is the same temperature as my armpits and it hasn’t been calm since about 18 weeks and that enchilada I just ate for dinner. How about instead of my abdominal area being warm and calm we talk about how it’s huge and hard. This is something I can relate to.

“Imagine yourself on the beach watching the waves. Imagine your baby in the ocean. Continue to slow your breathing.”

WHOA! EXCUSE ME?!? Screw breathing! Hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo, hee hee who the heck threw my baby in the ocean? I assume she’s really smart and her motor skills will be above average but, swimming so soon? What about the undertow or the current? How in the world am I going to get my baby out of the ocean? My imagination says this labor thing hurts like crazy. Now I have to take my burning-in-pain loins to find a waverunner or boogie board or something to help me rescue my child from the endless ocean. It’s going to be bumpy and I think I’ll have to ride side-saddle-ish on the waverunner. Jason, open your eyes! Help me get our baby out of the ocean! Why is no one else concerned? These other couples are going to be horrible parents, half asleep while their babies float helplessly in the ocean.

So, we’re learning a lot and looking forward to our next class (or something like that).

Jangie Update: During our doctor’s appointment this morning Jangie’s hearbeat flooded the room with loud, consistent beats – it never gets old and is more amazing each time. Jason thinks she sounds big (I have no idea what this means but love that he tries to characterize and give more life to the sounds she makes). The little sprout is growing like crazy and is 16.5 inches long and almost 3.5 pounds. Sometimes it feels like she is 25 inches long and 6 pounds – I’m the size of a small house in the suburbs. I’ve been writing to her and making a list of rules and advice that I want to pass along. I’ll post them here in the coming weeks.

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Goodbye Toes

Last week Jason and I spent some time out of town for my job. The change in scenery for a couple of days was refreshing and I really like staying in hotels. I feel important and distinguished and like a world traveler even if we were only 60 miles from home. When we checked into our hotel I stood in the lobby while Jason retrieved our bags from the car (a true gentleman). The lady working the desk at the hotel boldly asked, “Honey, is it a boy or a girl?” I looked around the lobby suddenly realizing I was the only other person around. I looked down surprised, as if someone had just strapped this huge belly on my perfectly sculpted 6 pack abs. I looked back at her, managed a smile and answered with confidence, “It’s a girl.” In hind sight I’m pretty sure I wasn’t looking around and confused by the fact that I’m growing a human. I have become pretty aware of it over the last few months. I think I was confused because this was the first time a stranger has really said anything about my pregnancy. I’ve seen people stare and maybe wonder. People I know have reluctantly said things like “well I thought maybe you were but didn’t want to say…” But, never a stranger. This lady was bold. She broke the never-ever-ever-ask-a-lady-if-she’s-pregnant rule with confidence which means one thing:

I am w a y beyond well maybe or beer gut or just eats a lot of cheeseburgers. I am full-fledged, strangers-are-sure-of-it, where-in-the-world-are-my-toes-they-probably-need-polish PREGNANT!

I thought I was getting along so well and adjusting to the weight and protruding tum-tum like a true champion. I can still button my real jeans and stretch most of my shirts over the bump but, I’m coming to the realization that it won’t last much longer. In the last week it seems difficult to put on shoes and heaven forbid they need to be tied. I have to wind my leg up, count to 3, and swing it with as much momentum as possible hoping it will land atop the opposite knee and I can reach my foot. By that time I’m sitting cross-legged-ish and out of breath. All of my shoes end up tied way on the side rather than in the middle. Bending over is nearly impossible so any pens, sticky notes, or paper clips that get dropped spend the entire day decorating the floor around and under my desk. Making leg shaving a necessity was definitely not a decision in which any preggers were consulted. I look down often to find my hands resting atop the shelf my belly is creating. I keep finding stains on my shirts and wonder how long they’ve been hiding or how many times it’s possible for a grown person to miss her mouth. My computer now requires a desk because I don’t have a lap with enough room for it. I am getting better at putting on mascara from a distance because leaning over the bathroom counter to get a closer look in the mirror just isn’t an option. Jason drives a truck and I drive a mid-sized, turn of the century SUV – both disgusting options for the pregnant lady. I can only lift my knee so high before it collides with the underside of the tum-tum then gets swung into the floorboard. Leg #2 is then on its own for the final hoisting to the seat. If the Oh Shooties! handle ever gives, it’s going to be a real gong show. The worst of it is…. We still have another 12-13 weeks of major growing to go.

Hello ginormous. Goodbye toes.

Other Updates: Jangie is approximately 14 inches long and weighs about 2 pounds. Her eyes will open and she can even blink her brand new eyelashes. She’s been really active over the last couple of weeks and my belly dances from side to side like crazy. Jason finished painting and hanging new trim and crown molding in her room – he’s doing such a great job with his projects. I finally caved and ordered some maternity clothes this week to get through fall. And the biggest almost-breakthrough is that we are about 98% sure on what we will officially name the little sprout. We’ll keep you posted.

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Hey Macarena!

Dear Jangie,

What on earth are you doing in there? Was there a special on tummy teeter-totters somewhere? Do you laugh every time you jab a flailing limb into the insides of my torso? It feels like you are riding an imaginary bicycle and making a choo-choo train motion with one hand the whole time. Or maybe you are perfecting your performance of the YMCA or the Macarena. I was one of the better Macarena performers in the 7^th grade so it seems fairly likely that this is the answer. Whatever, it is you’re doing in there – I feel you LOUD and CLEAR!

Love,

tu madre

Uhhh, Oh My Goodness! There is a baby girl rocketing to full-sized babyhood in my belly. I know you already got the memo. I know you saw the pictures and the video. I did too. I’ve also seen lots of other moms-to-be flash their sonogram photos or post a video on Facebook. And, let’s be honest with each other, if I put Jangie’s picture next to baby Ginger or Penelope or even baby Henry, we probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. (If you are arguing in your head that you could tell them all apart, you’re lying to yourself which is practically the worst kind of lie) Black background, gray and white blobs joining together to look kind of head and body-ish – we’ve all seen them. We gawk at the pictures and videos talking about what a blessing it is, how exciting it is that parenthood is just around the corner, and how crazy it remains that we grow human beings inside our bodies and they come out all put together. Normal, casual, sonogram behavior.

But…

To feel that gray and white blob give 3 fist pumps, Arsenio Hall style, in your tummy makes it a whole new crazy adventure. This isn’t baby Ginger, Penelope, or Henry – this is JANGIE! A real-life, I’m-not-looking-at-someone-else’s-pictures, she’s-going-to-live-with-us baby! Pardon me while I freak out [again] and say holy cow about 718 times and then regain my composure and act mature enough to be a mom. Holy cow, I’m going to be a mom!

Feeling Jangie move, flip, judo chop, shuffle ball-change, hey Macarena has been amazing. Jason has been able to feel Jangie move and watch my belly dance as she hokey-pokeys her limbs in and out. He has trouble understanding that I’m not Jangie’s puppeteer and can’t predict when she’ll move or on which side it will be but, he patiently waits with his hand on my belly. His eyes light up and I can tell that every leg kick and fist pump he feels is already wrapping him tighter and tighter around her tiny, gray blob fingers. For both of us it brings a certain definition to being pregnant. Feeling her movement means there is true life happening in there. It’s so real and alien-ish and amazing.

Other Random Updates:

Jangie is about 11 inches long and apparently just over a pound now. Funny that I’ve gained a touch more than a pound though. That said, I’m officially beyond the beer gut stage and looking for-real preggers. My belly button is still an inny and I use my pinky finger daily to do a depth check. I am anticipating its ‘POP’ very soon. My face looks like that of a 15 year old with a lovely splattering of breakouts. Jason has been hard at work painting Jangie’s room this week and I found some super-awesome fabric to begin making her crib bedding (or begin watching my mom as she makes her crib bedding). We’ve been reading books and articles like crazy trying to prepare for a screaming baby and sleepless nights. Probably a waste of time, really, but it makes me feel better. Other than that, we seem to be going into winter hibernation early and the nesting instincts are definitely kicking in. Lots of closet cleaning, room prepping, cabinet organizing, and ice cream eating happening at the Ward house.

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Whew….

Life has been somewhat of a blur the last 2 weeks. It seems like a million things have happened and at the same time, most everything is the same. As tempted as I have been to go absolutely crazy at times, I have felt an overwhelming peace around me and am loving spending time with Jason just breathing it all in.

So, in case you missed previous announcements – WE ARE HAVING A GIRL!!!

It is ridiculously stupid how excited I have become about our little sprout.

Here are the top things that pump me up about having a girl:

III. My husband. I already think he’s pretty stinkin’ cool but he is going to be way cooler with a daughter. She’ll sleep on his chest and my heart will melt. He’ll brush her hair (and probably French braid it) and I’ll think he’s the sexiest man on the planet. She’ll climb trees and swing too high and ride on his shoulders, all of which will make my heart skip a beat. He’ll act like a tough guy and then cry like a girl when she goes on her first date. He’s going to be such a great dad, I can hardly stand it.

b. These hats. I think they are the cutest darn things ever made with yarn. I’m sure you’re shocked that I like something so pink. Yes, I noticed the ginormous flower on it. I love it so much I bought yarn and a "Beginner’s Guide to Crocheting." [Insert public apology to my dear friend Amber, who I may have made fun of for crocheting in the past. I get it now. it’s fun. It’s not just for people over 65. I’m sorry.]

1. The coolest 3 second video ever. If you can watch this without emotion you should check your pulse. Ah, she's awesome!

I am providing a womb for a little girl that I’ve never met. I don’t know if she will have Jason’s giant eyebrows or my crooked toes. I find myself wondering and dreaming about the sound of her cries, coos and one day, her voice. I have no idea what her dreams are but I already believe in them. I melt when I think about what her smile will look like, how her eyes will squint and her cheeks will blush. (I’m practically crying right now – pregnancy is brutal on the hormones). I pray that she has Jason’s passion for helping and serving others sacrificially and my all-around-awesomeness (see, crying one second and back to normal the next). One thing I am absolutely sure of is that I am crazy, madly in love with her already.